TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of location. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he really should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "If You Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may also consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has Trump Tower Damascus allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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